Wierd thoughts.

Actually, I am '"more depressed than usual" since 4-5 days. It is like all the grief I have had in my life are gnawing on my brain. My heart feels heavy. I am 21 years old female.

I know ending life is foolish. And I know doing that will only devastate the lives of people who love me. Still, I am drawn towards this idea of dying. I want to believe that this can only put an end to my misery. I don't want to burden the people I care about with my grief stories and how I 'feel'.

Yesterday, I tried to share my feelings with someone dear, as I was overwhelmed with emotions. We are really close actually. Instead of understanding the depth of the situation he shouted at me and switched off his cell. Leaving me completely alone to suffer with my own thoughts.

Today, in my class, I was listening to lectures, and also made notes, and made a flower in the side. That lecturer taunted me at the end of the class about the drawing. And said "it's fine fine". I felt embarrassed. I know these are little things. But these affects cumulatively. It might be half a drop of how terrible I am feeling. But, it adds into my ocean of grief. I know I can overcome this but how long can I stay stiff like this?? It is breaking me from inside. It is making me hollow. I have become unresponsive to happiness. Nothing excites me anymore.